jewels...Jules

Oh life!! Well this will be interesting!! Coffee tomorrow, it begins.  $20 says it works out just fine :)

I am on a dancing high. I don’t know if he will text me or not but either way I am THRILLED I was able to dance and have fun with him and all of my ladies!!! Good God life is rockin right now. I feel like I am back.

Happy. Happy. Happy.

I definitely am now.  Good lord.  This past year, from June until now…probably one of the most difficult years thus far yet I am still able to smile and be happy.  I can roll with the best of them now.  Graduating was great but the hell that ensued for those 8 months or so after was the training period it seems.  LOL and training FUCKING SUCKED.  Then it started to get better.  Now, it isn’t bad, it isn’t great either.  I guess testing me is in the cards now.  Break up, death in the family again, and incessant criticism from a former supporter.  Well here is the challenge.  Not impossible but not easy.   It is really nice to have all of the support that I have been blessed with.  It helps immensely, yet in the end this is still my own battle that I have to conquer eventually alone.  The support will get me right up to the battle field yet the fight is mine and mine alone.  I am getting through.  

Going over  there was different.  Totally a whim, and shaking was a new experience.  People who were once close, who I could once confide in are probably the farthest from me now and honestly it is the best thing.  I never though that total separation from “friends” would be the most fabulous decision until I wen through it.  I am in the period of reworking things for just me and it is nice.  Different, but definitely nice.  The days are getting easier, not simple yet but significantly easier.  I am happy, but a different kind of happy.  

Now off to the funeral.  

I thought this break up would be so much more difficult than it actually is.  Sure the first few days were pure hell.  I could physically feel the pain that came from the separation.  I had to be told what to do simply because thinking hurt.  Awful awful pain.  I had absolutely no control over my emotions, for those first 48 hours.  Yet with conversation, hugs, and support from some of the best people in the world I am getting better.  There are still times of sadness, and I figure this will continue for a little while.  It isn’t getting used to being single, because the single life honestly isn’t bad at all, it is just breaking through all of the routines that had comfortably developed over the past almost two years.  Getting through those hurdles, not necessarily perfectly, but just getting through.  As much as it hurts, I prefer this over what could have happened.  What could have easily happened was us absolutely hating each other and me loosing a boyfriend and a friend.  Now, I am completely able to maintain my friendship with him.  The transition period persists on but thankfully it is becoming easier with every hour that passes.      

I have to truly say thank you to my friends.  The people who not only said they would be there for me but actually were.  So many skype and text check ins.  Surprise visits, dinners, coffee dates, nights out.  Everything to simply keep me busy and help me through.  Since I don’t live near my blood family, my friends have really been the ones to get me through.  I am truly blessed to have so many amazing people in my life who truly and deeply care for me and my well being.  Through this process I have been able to finally close the chapter on certain events, while continuing to confidently write the rest of my book.  

This entire situation could have been so much worse.  Living in hell while going through hell.  Though this time sucks, I can always find deep deep joy in the fact that life could have EASILY been so much worse.  I am able to have the best of both worlds, the freedom of singleness, while truly maintaining a friendship with a man who I came to love and respect.  Though we don’t work right now, who knows what the future has for us.  No matter what the outcome, I am blessed with strength and people who are able to be strong for me when I am not able to be.  

I love you all.  Working on me and it feels good.   

I am the catalyst once again to push him into adult hood. And it is no longer tolerable. I am tired, and mentally done.

Day by day. We will see. I am not predicting anything.

We will see.